Very Unprofessional

I'm playing online as we speak and I just got knocked out of the Sunday Million for the second week in a row because I suck. Or should I say wasn't exactly playing to my full ability. I wasn't really in the poker mindset today but decided to play the tourney anyway. However I did just win back most of the 215 dollar buy in playing people heads up for cash so far, so overall it's not been to bad, didn't really accomplish much though. And last night I dropped over 200 playing online so I'm sucking as of late. I was on a serious winning streak, the excellent online sessions and the 500 in 2 days playing live in AC, I was on like a thousand dollar upswing, and now I come home and have to sit in front of my stupid computer and face the fact that I have to play online to get money, it made me kind of upset and now I'm on a 300 buck downswing. Unfortunate, but I really don't care. I think I'm almost subliminally trying to lose money online so I dont have to play anymore. That last trip to AC really did something strange to me, made me really appreciate live poker. It's so much better, and I play so much better. I play so patiently, so meticulously, I don't even care how slow it is. In a way the slowness is what makes it such a game of skill, it's almost like if you can stand to sit there longer and be bored for longer you can win based on that. Weaklings can't take the pain of boredom and they don't survive. It's a shame to play such perfect poker at a casino, win mad dough and then donk it all off on bad day online, one shameful, tilted, totally irrational day.
I took a break from writing and hungout for a bit then got back to poker. I schooled some probe better real bad(member them from that late June blog entry) I just finished an online pot limit omaha session at 2 shorthanded tables. Picked up a nice 70 bucks, I'm doing well today, made back the 215 loss from the tournament this morning (4:30pm lol) and am up around 150 overall so I've made like almost 400 from cash games today. The 300 dollar downsing from last night is almost cancelled out and the upswing lasting all week should continue, sweet. However I was acting very unprofessional for the Sunday Million. It was a bit of frustration that I wanna win that 200k for 1st place so bad that I almost can't focus. Man if I had 200k I'd stick 100k in my expense account and I don't even know how much I'd use for my bankroll. It would be strange playing some 25 50 no limit with 5k on the table, I think I'd do well at first, and well overall but I would run unusually well at first.
I'm playing online as we speak again and am up big from shorthanded No Limit Holdem, almost 2 buy ins so far. I play 25 50, but cent, not dollar, buy in for 50 at a time as opposed to 5k. I made it 2.50 on this guy's BB when I was the small. I did it just to piss him off and I knew he'd reraise me with any soryt of a decent hand. He made it 8 bucks to go and deliberated then called cause I know he has A10 AJ AQ AK or KQ maybe KJsuited. So I've got 2 live cards and call with my 103 suited, only a sligh chance I'm overcoated against A10, overcoated means only having 1 live card (in this case the 3 cause if my 10 hits I still lose to his A10) and in bad shape. The flop came 10 3 3 giving me an instant full house. I make a small bet of 3.5o cause I know this will cause him to make a big raise of around 9 to 12 bucks, he instead moved all in for 50, not wise. Here's my impressionof that guy: "Let's risk 50 dollars to win 8, yeah! Let's move our whole stack in on a bluff and only get called when I'm beat! Someday I'm going to be a brigadeer general and send 50,000 troops behind enemy lines in order to wipe out 8,000 enemy troops, even though it's an extremely risky mission and we may lose everyone. It's worth it I tell ya! Gotta take out those 8,000 enemies." People, listen here, no one throws away with more reckless abandon then a tilted poker no limit holdem player. Avoid tilt and you can cash in other people's. If you do go on tilt your going to give away a lot of money and the next time you win a lot your just going to be breaking even for the week because you couldn't limit your loss like a man the other day you had to go on tilt and lose the max. Just play well people, play well all the time no matter what happens, the game is bigger than you, the game owes you nothing, the game has given you enough, don't expect for it to go your way every hand, other people deserve to get lucky too. I'm getting good at this, this way of thinking but still have a somewhat long way to go. I think Doyle Brunson feels the same way all the time, winning losing, don't matter. He has learned through all those years of intense study of professional poker what it's all about, his mindset must be so sick. Today I won so much and am still winning as we speak playing cash games because I dropped 215 on the tournament and felt like I had nothing to lose and just played great, coulnd't really play scared at all cause I'm already losing, made some calculated smart gambles and played well. As opposed to yesterday when I'm on a big win streak and don't even want to deal with all the swings of headsup holdem cash games. Not in the mood to deal with swings is a good way to lose money. It's more painful to lose when the day just begins, but hours later you almost feel more desenthesized and play better, no matter how much you play poker this fact remains true. I really just want to feel the same way all the time, wining, losing, on a winning streak, losing streak, just totally emotionless. Truly not caring whether you win or loss but still playing to win. I feel I've become better than almost everyone at staying off tilt, but definately not better than your average pro in this particular category. My biggest strength is definately reading people, second is my betting pattern which is very deceiving, and my table talk is good. My patience is a B+ probly not an A and my ability to not go on tilt is probly a B-, I need straight A's and my dad will get me a new car! Lol, just kidding ofcourse. So I'm still learning how to get my mindset a little better so I can play my top game more consitently. Hope you all enjoyed this post, I will definately be coming back to this subject, I know I improved my mindset today cause I'm still playing, don't wanna stop and am up big as we speak! Yeah! I don't when I'm stoppin! Could play till sun up, woah! Woah!
(note: the guy who moved in for 50 when I flopped a full house actually had AK suited and flopped the flushdraw, so he is actually a favorite over any hand I could have assuming I don't have a 3 or A10, with his two overcards and a flush draw he has many outs so it wasn't that bad a move, but not the best move, I possibly would have done it too though)