Upswings and Downswings

When I was in college I had a very big ego. Not really about anything except poker. I didn't think I was a big time ladies man who every girl wanted, or the smartest guy out there, or generally just better than anyone. But I did believe I was like the God's gift to poker. The kids I played with all the time all would acknowledge that I was a solid player. But no one really thought I was the clear cut best player they ever met. But I definately could say everyone felt I was one of the better players among our poker circle. This one kid Drew I used to play with a lot was a real one upper and he probably would say I sucked, now and then. He was the type of guy who was a real nay sayer though. I can't stand one uppers, or nay sayers........

Anyway I soon foundout I really wasn't that good when I first lived next to Turning Stone for a summer. I was a real tiltbox back then. Halfway through the summer I kind of got the hang of it and the casino felt like another home game in college. I'm not gonna go through a synopsis of my entire poker progression at the moment. Excpet to say that at this point I feel I am very capable of making money conistently because my skill is simply better than most of my opponents and it always translates into profit over time.

Still though, all this only works out when I'm playing at my best. The ability to conistently play my best is a never ending battle. I don't really know how to guarantee I can keep it up forever. It was just so important to me for the longest time to play poker and only poker as a career. I felt like having a job was like saying your not that good, and thats why you need one.

"The only difference between a professional and an amatuer is that a professional has no other way to make money when he is running bad."

The title of amatuer once was one of shame to me. The title of professional was one of utmost esteem. But I guess thats really not a realistic way to think of it anymore. The upswing and the downswing is just to irritating to deal with. I am really annoyed that last night I had 250 in my account and now I have 200. I started yesterday when I was at 221, got up to 250 at one point, and then was finished at 220. Lost 20 more today and now have 200.

Time and time again, I tell myself. Just look at the amount of money you have right now. Right now is all that matters. The past is irrelevant. Just play well all the time, don't worry about the swings, just play well, stay off tilt, and be manage the moeny you have inteliigently, and your money will always increase. It's true, so why is it still so annoying to deal with swings?

When I had 170, and went on tilt and ended the day with 69, all I could think about was that number 170. Wish I had 170, 170, 170, God I wish I had 170. Then I remembered the above paragraph. Remembered that as long as I have 69 I just gotta play well, stay off tilt, and manage the money responsibly and it will increase. And then I had 221.

Now I downswing down to 200 and I hate having 200, cause I know at one point last night I had 250. Now I can't stop thinking about 250. But remember when I downswung from 170 to 69 and was all pissed off, wishing I had 170 again, wishing so hard. But now I have 200 and Im pissed about it, which is more than 170, but I remain pissed. It makes no sense. I just can't seem to get off my high point...............

Fast forward to a day later, I just signed in and see that I started writing this blog yesterday and didn't finish. I now have 255 in my account. So I surpassed my previous high point. Yet at one point yesterday I had 275 and now I'm thinking about that and am not happy with 255. Even though I was pissed yesterday that I went from 250 to 200. I guess its a never ending cycle. But I sit with 255 right now. I like checking in my office every morning and seeing how much I have in my bankroll. My bankroll is very small right now, but it started with 20 fuckin dollars, so lets be happy. I'm taking it very slow, but it is growing. I'm trying to get to Atlantic City by next weekend. I'm gonna do some serious grinding all week, I'd like to get to 500 by Friday. This time when I get a grand or two together I promise I'm never going to have to rebuild again. I am not going through this bullshit ever again.

I am going to enact a 40 buy in rule. I used to do a 20 buy in rule and I would 4 table 50 max with 1000 bucks. Fuck that, gonna wait till 2000 to do that. I'm just looking forward to having 1000 and 4 tabling 25 max at this point. Technically I don't even have enough to play 5c 10c right now, lol, cause I'm suppossed to have 400 aka 40 buyins. But whatever. And I'm really not being irresponsible by saying whatever in this case. It's already pathetic enough that I'm playing 5c 10c, and I have been winning at it consistently.

There is no upswing without downswing. Even if you could see through people's cards you would still experience periods of regression. When I'm on my game my money slowly rises. There are tiny downswings followed by large upswings. The upswings are always larger than the downswings, and even though the downswings are more frequent, the upswings always more than compensate. Thats how it works. Thats the only way it works, no one, not even Jesus, goes straight up, there is always a couple of steps backwards prior to any giant leaps forward. Thats just the way poker is set up. So theoretically there is no reason to stress over having had a little less money in your account than you had. You just keep on trucking and you always reach a new high point. SO STOP STRESSING FRANK....... damn, your such a fuckin lutz. I don't know what a lutz is, but it feels right to say. Maybe a combination between a clutz and a worried fuck.

Funny how during my 5c 10c session last night I lost the biggest pot when I was up 40 bucks for the session and my kings ran into aces preflop. So I lost almost full buy in there and then only won 30 for the session. I wanted to fold really bad, but he had like 6 bucks. Still, the biggest pot I lost all session. It was a really nice session, biggest pot I lost was 6 bucks and it was a cooler. Its just really sick how bad I wanted to lay it down. I happenned to lay down kings twice earlier that day, and I never actually saw my opponents cards.

One time I reraised with KK and this dude shoves all in without hesitation for like 13 bucks. I was the only player at the table who could stack him and he still moved in. I am really worried he has aces. So I type in the chatbox, "show if I fold?" and by what he typed back I knew he didn't have aces. I'm not going to explain what he said, and why I knew, to complicated to explain. I'm about to hit call, and the timer runs out and my hand was autofolded.

Usually online I can't use my superweapon that conquers all. Which is the 'ol questin. "Will you show me if I fold?" the way they answer this question always tells me what they have. Obviously they don't tell me directly, but indirectly they tell me. They don't even know they're giving away info cause they don't understand how pyscholigical poker is. So they ahve no problem talking to me. Ofcourse this supermove only works in live poker. But yesterday I typed the question in the chatbox, thinking maybe he'll say something, and whatta ya know, he starts typing all this shit. I knew he was weak. Its very rare that I get to use my special move online. But the fuckin timer ran out as soon as I figured out KK was good. Shame.

I hate to reveal my secret move, good thing no one reads my fuckin website. But in case you are reading. CLose your fuckin mouth when you play poker, if a good player is asking you questions during a hand, don't fuckin say anything. I know it seems really unbelievable to you that people could figure out what you have just by talking to you, but trust me they can. I can't even tell you how many more correct decisions I have made while playing live poker due the 'ol "Will you show me if I fold?" question. It's a gem.

So I folded kings twice actually during the session when I should called. Once by accident. And the once time I did call, the guy had aces. What a game. Thats why you manage your money smart, cause swings are inevitable. Look down on me for playing 5c 10c all you want. But I'm sticking with this 40 buy ins rule, and when I get to the top I'm staying there. Cause I ain't moving up until my bankroll is right.

I feel very good about my game as of late and am looking forward to big things soon down the road. Heres an updated graph of all 5c 10c 4tabling.

This graph is since December when I put in some crappy sessions. The downswing in the middle was during a time when my mindset wasn't exactly as clear as it is now. I don't expect anything like that in the future. But overall the graph is rising. The rather large upswing is all from the last few days. Since February 17th, when I began rebuilding and had enough money to play this stakes, I'm up 234 bucks after 8,000 hands. Making 9 bucks an hour. The following is a graph of all sessions since Feb 17th, and looks much better. I consider it the only graph that matters cause I've rebuilt a whole other bankroll and its a clean slate.
This graph represents the new bankroll and in the future the 40 buy in rule will always be used. I will post all new graphs starting from this date. Just remember 9 dollars an hour with super low stakes. When we get to higher levels the hourly rates are gonna increase drastically. See ya soon with more upswinging graphs, and a month or so down the line we'll be movin on up to the next level. Peace out all.............

ITS OFFICIAL

Okay, I really think I may be completely insane. At this point I think its official. Last night I went crazy again playing online. Started the day sitting on 140. End with 69. I kinda wanna just never play poker again. I could take the 69 dollars I have an start playing smart again and it will eventually be 140 again, and then 200. And then 500 and so on. But shit, I'm always risking the possibility that I go comepletely insane again. I don't even wanna play today, I just wanna sell my fuckin car. I may have a buyer lined up, but I expect something to go wrong. He'll find something else, or change his mind, I don't know. Hopefully things work out.
I threw off my sleep schedule and I believe thats why I went crazy last night. When you wake up and don't even see any daylight, its hard to sit down and be disciplined. I remember back when I had money, this sort of thing occuring.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Damn.... what happened?

Pretty much the same kind of post. I get up during the night, and then my opponents were just really pissing me off. And I have a Mike Matusow blow up. I'm gonna be playing low stakes forever at this point. I really do make good money when I'm not going insane. What can I do to keep myself sane at all times. I think I need to prevent this sleep schedule foul up from ever happenning again. Starting tomorrow I'm going to start sticking to a schedule, so I can ensure I'll always be up during the day and asleep at night.

11-12 am- wake up, drink coffee, make breakfast, eat fish oil (pills that make u smart)

12pm-2pm- run the treadmill, stretch out, lift some shit, relax

2pm-6pm play online poker

630pm- eat dinner

7pm- 9m Blog, post hand of the day on hand replayer, Write

9pm- 3am- eat fish oil, chill

3am- eat fish oil, sleep

Gonna try this shit out tomorrow, gonna use an alarm clock, set it for 11am and sleep till 12 if I want. I used to say my goal in life was to never use an alarm clock and still make money, I'm seeing now that it can't really work that way. I guess what really pissed me off last night once this one guy in the first sit and go I played. He would just raise every hand and bet every flop, and you kinda just had to let him win. Because he would call everything. Theres nothing you can do about a player like this. Like if you reraised him because you know he had nothing, which was obvious, he would call with whatever garbage he had. he called my all in with KJsuited. He called this other guys all in with a flush draw when he had nothing invested in the pot. How can you defeat a player like this? If you have nothing, and he bets every flop and calls everything? I just don't know what to do against this type. Ya see there is really nothing you can do because there the comacozzi type. They don't care if they lose. If you decide to raise the because you know they have shit, they're gonna call anyway. So unless you have something, you kinda just have to let em win. Its really sick...........
It was also pretty sick when I used jsut 15 dollars to play someone headsup and was up to 30. This guy rebuys for another 20, later on I had 25 and he had 25 and then I flopped a straight with Q10 as the flop came AKJ. I bet and he moves all in with a pair of jacks. The turn and river comes J, J. Giving him four of a kind jacks. So my 15 should been turned into 50, but it was turned into 0 after that suckout. On the flop, when all the money went in, his chance of winning was 3 out of 100. So my 97% favorite didn't hold up........ (sighs, shakes head)

If I can sell this car and have some pocket change I won't care how low of stakes I have to play as long as I keep growing. Lets pray everything works out and then I can get things going again and be moved out of my house in a few months.
I often fear I am running out of time. In 5 years I will be 30. I don't wanna be that old. I need to get things in order now, before I'm old and its too late.

AnXiety

I'm feeling a lot of anxiety at the moment, all a day as a matter of fact. It's 8 am and I can't sleep all night. Should be passin out soon, but I guess I fucked up my sleep schedule again. I hate more than anything when I'm up all night and asleep all day. Gonna have to stay up longer than I want to at some point soon, won't be today though.
Before I continue, I would like to thank anyone who consitently reads this blog. I really do appreciate you coming back again and again. I might not even have kept writing if I didn't know at least a few people are listening.
Yo, I'm feeling anxiety over the movie business. It appears I fail to understand how much scheduling and planning goes into making these movies. I keep telling people we should get started on another right away. And they keep telling me that it doesn't work that way. Not everyone is a professional poker player who only works when he or she feels like it. It's near impossible to get everyone together again, and it's been hard for me to comprehend. I have been fighting with the producer and we really got mad at each other last time. It's causing me anxiety.
Franicisco, who wrote and directed the war movie we just finished, wants to shoot another war movie, 5 more in fact, and we won't even be starting that till summer. And even after summer, he still wants 5 movies done. The guys who worked on the war movie with me are all excited about the scripts, but I really have no idea how were gonna make them anytime soon due to all the scheduling bullshit and the fact that Francisco is all about the war series.
Don't get me wrong I'm all about the war series, I loved making the first one. But I really think our comedy ideas are gold, and just want them made. I am going to write them first, once I have the scripts, then its a more plausible idea to make a reality. But even if I do, the war series is coming first. But writing the scripts can't hurt. We have about 5 seperate ideas for comedy skits
that I just feel are completely and totally hilarious. Gold Jerry! Gold! I honestly believe getting them made and shown to the world will make something good happen. I really need to talk to Francisco but he doesn't answer his phone.

I'm doing well in poker, though rising very slowly. I didn't do much since last post. On the weekends I don't really play to much, I only have made like 20 more bucks since last post. But it's monday now, so today till Friday I will be putting in a lot of hours of cash games and really increasing my bankroll. It's still going to be a slow process though, as I need to take it slow to ensure I keep profiting. I could try to win a lot fast, but then I would risk going busto. Gonna take it slow, sticking with 5% rule. I'm up to about 130 now, so that means only 6 dollars at risk at a time. Slow, and tedious, but making progress.

I don't wanna start talking about BBL, but I just had such an intense dream last night. I used to talk about her a lot on here. But then I decided it was stupid and to crazy to really share with the public. But this dream was so intense last night I just can't help but mention it. First of all I took down a picture of a certain actress that I had on a post in like October or something because I realized she looked to much like BBL. Like I didn't even realize that she looks exactly fuckin like her, except different hair color and doesn't have blue eyes. But otherwise very very similar. And her body type was like exactly the same. So everytime I looked at this post I would get upset so I took her down, and can never post her on this website again. Its a shame and it's all that bitch BBL's fault. I promised myself not to watch the show she is on for the same reasons. But I always find myself turning on this stupid show I hate, just to see her. Damnit........

Whatever I woulda had the dream either way almost certainly. This dream was so fuckin nuts, I'm not going into exactly what happened. But it was as if in my dream i was remembering a scenario that didn't happen in real life with BBL. But in my dream I was remembering a past dream about her. As if this past dream was so intense, and so deeply rooted in my subconscious, that only another dream could make me remember it. Now I remember both dreams. But I'm not sure if last night was just the same dream, or my mind just thinking about the first dream while I was asleep. The crazy thing is last night while I'm dreaming, the whole time I thought it was all really happening, or really had. Hard to explain. I hope never to mention her again on here. Just felt it was necessary today. If you could only see how intense these dreams are, it's unlike anything I've ever felt in my life. I really can not see any other scenario where I will feel feeling this deep and intense for the rest of my life.

People that are afraid to try drugs are essentially afraid because of the possibility of becoming addicted. Perhaps fear of overdose is also a good reason to avoid drugs. I've never pumped heroine into my veins so I guess I can't speak as if I'm an authority on the subject, but are you really that scared of getting addicted to a substance? I believe its slightly ignorant to use a horror story about what happens to some people, stop you from enjoying certain things in life. It's not even a question of will power, I mean how stupid do you have to be to actually feel that drugs could get a stronger hold on you than a girl?
Try having the girl you love more than life itself one day out of the blue decide to never talk to you again. Just like that......... And theres not a damn thing you can do about it. Thats withdrawal pal. Thats withdrawal. And you can't just kick your coke habit when it's becoming a problem? Your a fuckin pussy then. Fuck you, and fuck any conformist pussy who doesn't think for themself. When your girl bounces out, it doesn't matter who you know, how much money you got, how far your willing to travel, how many numbers or connections you got, doesn't matter who your willing to rob or kill or whatever. Theres nothing you can do to get more. Your just screwed................

Ight, getting a little crazy here, lets change the subject. Watch this video dudes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1YrnSDehsBI

I know why he makes this call. I knew he was gonna call. A donkey calls here cause he doesn't know any better. A good player folds cause any player that knows anything about poker folds here. But a superstar does the same thing a donkey does. But for different reasons. If you don't understand what I mean, then you gotta work on your game. What a sick fuckin hand............

Reunions, the Knicks and Sit and Gos

Yeah so I'm feeling good about poker as of late. Making progress, though the amount of money I have is scarce and few, I am still increasing it daily. I started today with 67 buckers and end with 112. Still gonna have to sell my car so I can pay off some stuff off and have spending cash until I build up high enough. I really gotta get that done tomorrow. It's an old car I never drive in case you don't know, lol. I was just reading this and realized how bad that might look. The car just sits there and has to go for many reasons.
I'm pretty much using a 5% rule for sit and gos and a 5% rule for cash games, its tedious and annoying but it works and if I don't stick to it I'm gonna be broke again. So, so, so annoying play this low of stakes. Even more annoying how I've gonna through all this bullshit already and had a bigger roll and ofcourse as soon as I had a few G's I was foolish with it. Now gotta do it again, I swore last time after rebuilding I was never gonna have to do this bullshit again. Ah, maybe next time there wont be a next time, ya feel me?
So I'm looking at my account today with 67 buckers and saying, ok how do I use this measly 67 bucks and make it grow? Well I'm playing 3 dollar fuckin sit and gos all day. U fuckin believe this shit? 3 fuckin dollars little tournys. I won a lot of em today. They start with 6 ppl, and 2nd place makes like 3.50 profit, and first makes like 8 bucks profit. The other 4 lose their money. I believe I won like 4, came in second once, and lost once today. I'm rather good at them. And I played 5c 10c cash games. Fuckin microstakes are so annoying. I was buying in for 5 bucks at each table. I played like 1500 hands yesterday and made like 17 bucks, and 750 hands today and made like 19 bucks. LOL...................
But whatever progress is progress, as long as the money keeps increasing, and the money is managed properly and no bankroll overbetting takes place. A few days back I had a measly 20 bucks, remember? So now I've got 110, lets see, divide by 5%, means I can risk 5.5 dollars at a time, when I hit 125 I can start playing 6 dollar sit and gos and I'll be making 6.50 for ever 2nd place finish, and like 16 bucks for every 1st. And I will continue cash gaming it up. Though I don't wanna play 25 max till I have 40 buyins, aka 1000 dollars, aka one G.
Member back in October when I turned that 10 bucks into a 2 grand? Well shit, 20 has become 110. Soon it will be 200, then 500, and next time I get up to 2 grand, I'm not gonna fuck it up.
I like how things are going right now, I like how I'm playing, I feel like my old self again. I was watching this weeks poker after dark and Taylor Caby was on and the announcer, I can't think of his damn name, and I feel bad cause he's a good player. Damnit. Anyway the announcer informed the audience how Taylor Caby lost his first 35 dollar deposit on pokerstars, or full tilt wherever the hell he plays, but turned his next 35 dollar deposit into 6 figures.
Well If I can turn 10 in 2,000 then I can do it too. I used to not understand how these guys turn 35 bucks into 6 figures. But turning 10 into 2,000 really makes me see. Its all the stuff I was posting about way back in october. Staying off tilt, and continuing to make intelliegent decisions with the money you have. And keep playing your ass off, never slack off. And never overbet your bankroll. I feel great, I feel like I'm back. Anyway Taylor Caby is getting his ass handed to him in this cash game last night, all week pretty much, and he doesn't ever tilt. You can see why he turned 35 bucks into 6 figures. He kept having to fold, but he was pretty much always beat when he did. And he never got frustrated and made any stupid calls. Sometimes you feel like your getting pushed around at a table when you keep losing pots, but most of the time, you were actually facing better hands and have made correct folds the whole time. Remember kids, sometimes your just gonna lose pots, the trick is not to lose more than you should. Because the tide is gonna turn, mathematically it is inevitable. So when you start winning hands your gonna be up that much more cause you lost as little as you could when you were getting shafted. If you go on tilt when your losing and fail to understand sometimes losing is inevitable, you will 3-4 times as much as you shoulda lost. Then when you start winning your not up nearly as much as you should be.
Accept losing at times, know how to lose the right way or you'll never be a winner. Poker wisdon from me. Something I didn't really fully understand until I moved to Atlantic City in February 2008. I calculated that in my 2 months living in AC playing 1,2 everyday I won like somewhere between 5-6 grand. And I should have actually won 8-9 grand, but certain days where things werent going my way I lost more than I should have.

The Knicks make a nice trade. They acquired sharpshooter Larry Hughes from the Chicago Bulls in exchange for Tim Thomas, Jerome James and Anthony Roberson. Losing 3 Knicks that never really played much anyway and gaining a solid scorer. Nice, nice, nice, nice.........
Also sending Malik Rose and cash considerations to the Oklahoma City Thunder for Chris Wilcox.
Malik never really played either. So a couple of nice trades, the Knicks are definately a better team now. And they didn't have to give up any fan favorites. If the Knicks ever traded Nate Robinson or David Lee I would not watch them anymore. I mean I probly would after a few months, but it would really piss me off. Anyway props to Donny Walsh who has been a good GM and I feel he will land Lebron in 2010. Chris Wilcox gives us a shot blocker, which is one thing the Knicks really needed.

I got a message on facebook today from my old roomate and were apparently having an Oneonta reunion. The message was sent to a bunch of my old friends and I'm hoping they will all make it out there when the time comes. I definately will be down for it. I really miss college sometimes and didn't really appreciate it when I was there. Whenever I think about meeting with my old college buddies I always wanna just get wasted drunk. I'm not a drinker at all, and hardly ever drink but just thinking about college, I always just wanna get shitfaced. Strange, I don't know why that is. I'm really looking forward to going back and hope everyone makes it.

Wanna see some ridiculous bad beats aka suckouts I took today? This one isn't a lot of money, but this guy is such a doof. Remember, I play as brezlin. http://www.pokerhand.org/?3884768P

What a donk, lol. Takin it all in stride............. Heres a graph of my progress playing super low micro stakes (5cent 10cent) 10 max NLH. I'm up 47 bucks in 2,500 hands. I'm averaging 9.3 big blinds per 100 hands. 9.3BB/100 is a good winrate. The big blind is 10 cents. So I make about 93 cents every 100 hands. I've played 2,566 hands total. You do the math, I have it all on my poker tracker already. Here's 3 sessions of grinding the micros:

Slowly Getting the Swagger Back

Well you all now of my recent financial troubles. I seem to have no patience anymore playing online poker, or live for that matter. The way people bet just pisses me off. The fact that you can't bluff anyone cause everyone is to stupid to fold. The way these people constantly play garbage cards in position and then bet every time you check. If you know they also don't have anything and want to raise them so they can't steal the pot, they call you with whatever they have because they don't really understand the game. If you decide its time to make a move and you have nothing, your gonna get called because these players give into frustration and make bad calls like its their purpose in life. When you have a hand they call and you take their money, when you don't they call. So you better have something when you bet. And unfortunately a lot of the time you just have to let people steal the pot. You have to wait it out, and let the idiots win the small ones, and wait to win the big ones. Thats just the way it is.
For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction. For every playing strategy there is a way to exploit it. The doosh's that call everything and bet every time you check, their kryptonite is when you actually have something there "I'm not going to fold" attitude sends them packing.
Its this kind of scum that won't even let you steal the blinds in a tourny with KQ because they will call you with Ace 5 everytime, and then your in an unfortunate situation, a coin flip for all your chips. But these dooshbags also will hand you their money on a silver platter when you push with AK AQ, cause they still will call with the ace rag.
Their logic is always I better call in case he is bluffing. Their logic is "I don't wanna fold if I woulda won."
They still don't get it, it just hasn't sunk in yet. Like that wonderful young girl, only attracted to scumbag guys. One day she'll see.

Anyway, my buddy sent me 20 bucks the other day and its been almost a week, def less than a week, but its been a while and i only have 66 bucks. For a while I couldn't even get it above 20, kept screwing up, kept getting all pissed off at players. Just couldn't do anything right.

I don't know, lately I feel calmer and don't mind low stakes. When I had been thinking about all the bad financial decisions I have made, and how I should have never quit my job. How I actually thought I didn't wanna live in NY anymore. How I made all these decisions putting poker in the foreground and just neglecting everything else, its all based on the plans I made while I was in college. I set out to reach my dream, and had a certain plan and nothing was more important to me. I just didn't see any way to fully live life if I stayed here in NY where I've always lived. And I've not taken full advantage of the oppurtunities that lie here. If anyone could understand the shitstorm that happenned to me in college and the conclusion I took from the experience they would understand.

But now I'm here, and with all these movies to make I don't see myself leaving. And I do regret quitting my job very much. Living a life with no structure is not healthy at all. But I kept thinking about the sucess I have had playing poker. They way the swinginess of my success does not depend on luck, but on mindset. My mindset has been so fucked so much of the time. When I am playing well I have just as much bad luck as I do good luck, but I always make it through in one piece. When my mindset is fucked I let the bad luck bring me down and cause big big losses.

There is no way my periods of success are a fluke. Theres no way it was just a lucky run. Because I've won to consistently for too long a period of time. It a mathematical impossibility for my runs of success to be a fluke. Just look back at December:

12/8 25max NLH 1505 hands +283
12/9 25max NLH 1536 hands -70
12/10 25max, 50max NLH 1503 hands +367
12/16 25max, 50max NLH 1504 hands +265
12/17 25max, 50max NLH 1519 hands +206
12/18 25max, 50max NLH 1508 hands +140
12/19 50max NLH 1514 hands +349

This is 1500 hands a day, for 7 days, thats approximately 10,500 hands. Where I came out ahead a grand total of 1540 dollars.

10,500 hands in the casino would take months. Probly more. But then I had the horrid day on Christmas which cost me like 5-600 and then paying back Narska 1000, I got financially fuct and things have been downhill since. Its cause the financial hits cause a shift in the mindset that makes your swagger dissapear and transforms your game into more of a style that doing what I call 'overcompensating' trying to win money, as oppossed to make the right decision.

I know the downswings are not a virtue of luck. What, was December just a lucky month? No. I have not been any luckier or unluckier in January than December. I just wasn't in the right mindset. Its so hard to explain.

Can you make the argument that maybe professional poker is not a steady income because you can't guarantee your won't go insane from it? Yes.

But can you make the argument that losing streaks are caused by bad luck? No.

People who succeed at this shit are just so good at not worrying about shit. There game never really changes. I can think of times in Atlantic City when I could do no wrong for a month straight. Yeah I had bad days, but they didn't matter, cause I knew good days were far plentier. I can think of days online, same thing.

But I can think of so many days in AC and online where I was a wreck, freaking out financially. It's like I either can't win at all, or can't lose at all. Theres no inbetween with me. But if there are long periods of time where all I do is win, then I should be able to stay like that 100% of the time. Right? I just know that I can still do this. I am not a complete idiot for the decisions I've made. You take bad beats every day, your on the wrong end of coolers everyday, but when you got your swagger you get through it. When your mindset is fuct, its just a freefall.

Here are some sick, sick hands that happenned to me today playing super low stakes cash games. Remember I play as Brezlin. http://www.pokerhand.org/?3878406P

Thats a cooler. Not a suckout. A suckout is when you lose to someone who should not of stuck thier money in against you. When someones makes a mistake, and then catches a miracle card to beat you, its a suckout. A cooler is just both players having unfoldable hands. I kind of felt like he might have AA there. I remember thinking how Doyle Brunson got knocked out the WSOP main event one year when he flopped top 2 with AQ, only to run into a set of QQ. All 4 queens chillin right in the front of the deck. Well I suspected it was happenning to me, but I couldn't fold it.
What a cooler.

Here is an example of a suckout I took today. http://www.pokerhand.org/?3878430P

This was just ridiculous. I really got screwed on some pots today and was put in a few unavoidable money loss situations. Stuff like this will drive you insane when your playing bad. When your playing well, you shake it off like a man. I was up like 38 bucks at one point, but finish only up 16. Damn these low stakes blow. Just gotta keep playing well and I'll be back at 25c 50c making over 1k a week again.

I feel the swagger coming back. I intend to exercise a 40 buy in rule for cash games online from now on. Forget the 20 buy in rule. I'm not moving up to 25c 50c till I have 2k. Peace out all, heres another picture from "The Penicilin Advance" Don't we look badass?

If your name isn't PJ, you don't have to read this:

Not cool PJ. Not cool at all dude.

Almost Finished

We wrapped up shooting last night, so my part is done. The film is almost fully complete. Now the director, Francisco and his crew will just have to do all the editing and the movie will be ready to watch. I have seen random clips on the crew's laptops but these scenes didn't have sound edited in and will be much different once the finish product is released. Obviously I haven't seen anything in any kind of order, so I'm almost as much in the dark as anyone as to what the final cut will actually look like.

See me, Frank Carlino as wise cracking Private Bailey, an American soldier in the last days of World War II.

"The Penicillin Advance" coming to a theater near you or should I say we will be handing out as many CD's as we can of the film, reserve yours today. I estimate about 2 weeks before editing is done and the movie is officially released. It should run about 20-30 minutes.

Regarding poker, I don't even wanna talk about it. Still can't take the low stakes seriously and am not getting anywhere. Trying to sell my car so I can start playing for something that matters. My heads all about the movie right now. And I wanna start writing a lot of my novel per day. Everyone in the crew and the cast got along great and there wasn't any arguments or conflict at all in 4 long days and nights of shooting. We will work together again for sure and make many more movies, everyone has a lot of ideas for future projects. Peace out everybody.

Another New Lease on Life

I have a whole lot to say at the moment. Don't know how much of it I'll remember by the time this post is done. But anyway I can't stop thinking if how I ran 10 bucks up to 2,000 back in November. I had no choice, having just returned from Atlantic City, broke as a joke after the robbery and the unfortunate chain of events that followed as a result of such a robbery.
There was many posts in November as I look back, with titles like "Damn I play well when I'm broke" and then gradually titles like "Back in business" and then "Stock Rising"
But recently I can't seem to talk about anything but rock bottom. And then its always another post that says something about how I'm gonna play good from now on. But then I'm broke once again. Its really really sick how last week I posted all this shit about how I really had my mindset straight, and I called the post a special one because I had come to some sort of an epiphany and I said I had to find an especially hot girl for this post. So I posted up Taylor Swift, ha. She is cute as hell though, but I coulda found better.
I was in a really good mindset for a couple of days but I fell out of it. And that measly 12 bucks I had went from 12 to 61 then the next day 61 t0 105, then 105 to 145
Smooth sailing right? But then the 145 became 101, and then the next day it was all gone.

After that long long post about how I was just gonna keep it growing, I still fucked it up. And I was broke, still am, but I was broke then and I still played bad. I mean look at these posts "The Winning Mindset" from January. I was so frigen zoned in, it really seemed like I was on the right track. I still can't believe I went back to zero. Then there is that other post in January called "Mindknumbingly confident" I talked so much shit and fuct it all up. What a stunad!

Then in the first February post I eluded to losing the little money I had as a backdrop for talking about the movie I was in. And since then I've just been avoiding posting like I always do when I'm not making shit.

Well tomorrow we rap up the movie shoot. I have not been able to get a haircut or shave for weeks and I feel like shit about it cause I want shorter hair real bad. But I can't fuck up the movies continuity. Were already keeping our fingers crossed about enough snow being on the ground like there was last time.

Once the movie is done I may actually consider working somewhere cause I don't know what else to do. I can't really sell my car anymore cause it doesn't work at all. I have no money to play with. Well thats not entirely true. I got 20. Ha! Ha aha ahhaa haha. 20, and were gonna plan out what were gonna do with this 20 smackers in a second.

Now what really is a profesional poker player? In my opinion a true pro isn't just good at the game and better than most of the people he or she plays, but posseses that one quality. The ability to look at an amount of money, however big or small and make it grow.

U ever heard about the Chris Ferguson challenge, this guy start with a buck on full tilt poker and ran it up to 10k. Patience, discipline, tilt control, and money management.

Like I've said a million time before, skill is only half the battle.

Now lets try and determine exactly what happens to screw everything up.

Last time, I took my 12 bucks and ran it up to 61. Then the next day 61 to 105, then 105 to 145.
145 was my high point and I had a set back and stood at 101.

This is where everything goes to shit. The natural human thought process is "Damn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had 145 now I have 100!!!!!!!! Thats 45 less than what I had!!!!!!!!!!!! Damn!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish I had 145 again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Shit!!!!!! Shit!!!!!!!!!!!! Shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Ok, yeah it sucks to lose money, no one like to lose money but theoretically it really makes no sense to think, or feel this way under any circumstances. Now I've talked about this before, and thought I had ingrained this concept into my head, but I don't believe I have fully embraced it, in light of my recent fuckup.

Right now there is a big time, high high stakes, super high nosebleed stakes pro poker player who just dropped 450,000 smackers in a No Limit Holdem and Pot Limit Omaha mixed game consisting of 500 and 1,000 dollar blinds.

He feels like shit right? His networth was 5 million, now its only 4.5 million. He lost half a mill! He's sick, and his play may be effected by this, causing a downswing.

At the exact same time some doofy 18 year old has just entered a 50 dollar tournament and took it down, making 600 bucks, he is so happy he's doing cartwheels. He's got 600 in his pocket, time to party right?

Now if aliens are watching this with thier little telescopes (Jerry Sienfeld<----)..........
they must be pretty confused. Why is the guy with 600 dollars happy and the guy with 4.5 million sad?

Why? Because human being generally are to quick to jump to emotional conclusions. This is probably the reason they are so proned to violence. Ya see money is all relative. People don't want money, they want more money. And upswing is desired, progress is desired, and stepping back and appreciating what you have often flys out the window.

It doesn't matter what you have if you had more yesterday right? Wrong. But thats our first instinct. Next time you are on a downswing remember that all you can do is think about the money you have right now. Think about the best possible options you can take right now with what you have right now, the past is irrelevant.

So when I started the day with 145 last week and ended with 101, I was frustrated and couldn't stand that I didn't make progress. I couldn't stand that I was set back.

But now its a week later and I'm happy I have 20, and an oppurtunity to grow it. I wish I had 101 dollars now. Why couldn't I just be happy with what I had back then.

Perhaps taking breaks will help you calm down and see the big picture. But I wanna be in a mindset where I don't have to. I just wanna be a Zen master, impervious to selfish desires of the world.

I guess I'm taking my 20 bucks and playing 1 dollar tournies. As long as I stay smart I won't ever have to deal with this bullshit again. But once I have more than 20 I will be happy. An upswing is coming.

Can't Sleep

I got up at 9:30 in the am and it 4am now and I still just can't pass out. I have been rewriting my novel tonight, got like 2-3 pages done with good grammer this time. I think I might not be able to sleep cause I start thinking about my novel and my brain doesn't wanna stop going and I get to excited.

This clip is the funniest fuckin thing I have ever seen in my life:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v8e6-IeQ0aw&feature=related

This girl looks good with short hair. That's revolutionary stuff. She looks real real good with long hair though. She kinds of looks like Kristen Bell but as a brunette. I'm going to call my agent and get him to schedule a menage a trois' with those two sexy bitches tomorrow.

Anyway don't have much to talk about as of now. Still haven't solved this financial crisis and I don't wanna think about it right now. Just can't sleep so I'm writing. This friday and saturday we are rapping up filming on our world war II movie. I can't wait to watch it. I hear were making 4 other films with the same characters. Each movie will have a different main character, so I'll have to star in 1 of them. Independant film making is great, and writing is great. I don't see how much poker may be in my future anymore. When I was a kid I was all about movies, I don't know if I'm meant not to pursue creative ventures. To be good at poker you have to truly make yourself inhumane in your ability to supress emotion. But emotion is what makes you human and makes you create great art.

I don't know man. I just don't know. I'm still gonna play, I will always play........

Makin Moves, Makin Movies

I can't seem to play good anymore. Since last post I seem to have reverted back to playing bad. I have been trying, just can't seem to get anything going. I had like 145 the other day now I have 45, and can't seem to make any progress. It is very depressing, I don't know what to do. Gonna try again tomorrow, but the low stakes continue to drive me insane.

Anyway, on a better note, I am in an independant film. I worked on it last weekend and it was a real tough time. When you make a movie your on set all day just to shoot like 8 mins worth of film. It was also freezing cold outside. And were not even done, I still have to go back next weekend and wrap up a few more scenes. I play a smartass American soldier. It's a World War II movie. Its called "The Penicilin Advance" its sort of a comedy.

We have all been working our asses off and freezing them off to get this done, and I can't wait till it's finished. Were even going to take it a short film festival. Heres some pictures from the set:


Thats me second from left. And at the far right is my buddy from highschool Francisco Dejesus who is also the director. The guy in the middle is obviously a nazi soldier.

Thats a picture of the American soldiers as we captured Nazis and are now showing them how we got their flag, with a couple of smirks.

Making movies is a great rewarding experience. I feel a sense of accomplishment, its not like just playing poker and having a skill that doesn't really help anyone but yourself. I want to make more movies after this one with this group of people. The camera crew really knows their shit. Poker is perfect now cause I can have a way to make money on my own time, so i have more time to pursue things I really love, like making movies. So I really gotta get back into the swing of things on the poker front, I am just so frustrated for weeks now. Buy my car!
With poker I'll never have to miss a movie shoot cause of some job I am committed too. I'm gonna make it work and enjoy the freedom of professional poker, so it's still good in that sense. But yeah, there is more to life than just playing poker all day and I want to be more involved in other things. I have many ideas of more movies to make with these people, and I'm sure they would be down for it. I am still a writer at heart, but acting is great too.

It was really easy for me to play a smartass soldier, I was just being myself, but to the extreme. We should be done filming in 2 weeks and the movie should be fully edited and completely finished in a month.

Tomorrow I'll have better news to report concerning poker. All in all, things are gloomy right now but this movie is making everything all good. Peace out till next time.