Another New Lease on Life

I have a whole lot to say at the moment. Don't know how much of it I'll remember by the time this post is done. But anyway I can't stop thinking if how I ran 10 bucks up to 2,000 back in November. I had no choice, having just returned from Atlantic City, broke as a joke after the robbery and the unfortunate chain of events that followed as a result of such a robbery.
There was many posts in November as I look back, with titles like "Damn I play well when I'm broke" and then gradually titles like "Back in business" and then "Stock Rising"
But recently I can't seem to talk about anything but rock bottom. And then its always another post that says something about how I'm gonna play good from now on. But then I'm broke once again. Its really really sick how last week I posted all this shit about how I really had my mindset straight, and I called the post a special one because I had come to some sort of an epiphany and I said I had to find an especially hot girl for this post. So I posted up Taylor Swift, ha. She is cute as hell though, but I coulda found better.
I was in a really good mindset for a couple of days but I fell out of it. And that measly 12 bucks I had went from 12 to 61 then the next day 61 t0 105, then 105 to 145
Smooth sailing right? But then the 145 became 101, and then the next day it was all gone.

After that long long post about how I was just gonna keep it growing, I still fucked it up. And I was broke, still am, but I was broke then and I still played bad. I mean look at these posts "The Winning Mindset" from January. I was so frigen zoned in, it really seemed like I was on the right track. I still can't believe I went back to zero. Then there is that other post in January called "Mindknumbingly confident" I talked so much shit and fuct it all up. What a stunad!

Then in the first February post I eluded to losing the little money I had as a backdrop for talking about the movie I was in. And since then I've just been avoiding posting like I always do when I'm not making shit.

Well tomorrow we rap up the movie shoot. I have not been able to get a haircut or shave for weeks and I feel like shit about it cause I want shorter hair real bad. But I can't fuck up the movies continuity. Were already keeping our fingers crossed about enough snow being on the ground like there was last time.

Once the movie is done I may actually consider working somewhere cause I don't know what else to do. I can't really sell my car anymore cause it doesn't work at all. I have no money to play with. Well thats not entirely true. I got 20. Ha! Ha aha ahhaa haha. 20, and were gonna plan out what were gonna do with this 20 smackers in a second.

Now what really is a profesional poker player? In my opinion a true pro isn't just good at the game and better than most of the people he or she plays, but posseses that one quality. The ability to look at an amount of money, however big or small and make it grow.

U ever heard about the Chris Ferguson challenge, this guy start with a buck on full tilt poker and ran it up to 10k. Patience, discipline, tilt control, and money management.

Like I've said a million time before, skill is only half the battle.

Now lets try and determine exactly what happens to screw everything up.

Last time, I took my 12 bucks and ran it up to 61. Then the next day 61 to 105, then 105 to 145.
145 was my high point and I had a set back and stood at 101.

This is where everything goes to shit. The natural human thought process is "Damn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had 145 now I have 100!!!!!!!! Thats 45 less than what I had!!!!!!!!!!!! Damn!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish I had 145 again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Shit!!!!!! Shit!!!!!!!!!!!! Shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Ok, yeah it sucks to lose money, no one like to lose money but theoretically it really makes no sense to think, or feel this way under any circumstances. Now I've talked about this before, and thought I had ingrained this concept into my head, but I don't believe I have fully embraced it, in light of my recent fuckup.

Right now there is a big time, high high stakes, super high nosebleed stakes pro poker player who just dropped 450,000 smackers in a No Limit Holdem and Pot Limit Omaha mixed game consisting of 500 and 1,000 dollar blinds.

He feels like shit right? His networth was 5 million, now its only 4.5 million. He lost half a mill! He's sick, and his play may be effected by this, causing a downswing.

At the exact same time some doofy 18 year old has just entered a 50 dollar tournament and took it down, making 600 bucks, he is so happy he's doing cartwheels. He's got 600 in his pocket, time to party right?

Now if aliens are watching this with thier little telescopes (Jerry Sienfeld<----)..........
they must be pretty confused. Why is the guy with 600 dollars happy and the guy with 4.5 million sad?

Why? Because human being generally are to quick to jump to emotional conclusions. This is probably the reason they are so proned to violence. Ya see money is all relative. People don't want money, they want more money. And upswing is desired, progress is desired, and stepping back and appreciating what you have often flys out the window.

It doesn't matter what you have if you had more yesterday right? Wrong. But thats our first instinct. Next time you are on a downswing remember that all you can do is think about the money you have right now. Think about the best possible options you can take right now with what you have right now, the past is irrelevant.

So when I started the day with 145 last week and ended with 101, I was frustrated and couldn't stand that I didn't make progress. I couldn't stand that I was set back.

But now its a week later and I'm happy I have 20, and an oppurtunity to grow it. I wish I had 101 dollars now. Why couldn't I just be happy with what I had back then.

Perhaps taking breaks will help you calm down and see the big picture. But I wanna be in a mindset where I don't have to. I just wanna be a Zen master, impervious to selfish desires of the world.

I guess I'm taking my 20 bucks and playing 1 dollar tournies. As long as I stay smart I won't ever have to deal with this bullshit again. But once I have more than 20 I will be happy. An upswing is coming.