Damn.... what happened?

So I was 5 for 5 since Johnny Cashout started playing, had my intial deposit of 160 in tact and had sent 492 dollars to cashout land. We were going strong then yesterday I started a session and just could not focus. I just didn't have any patience and my opponents were really getting on my nerves. I think part of it was cause most of the people I hang out with were chillen and I was jsut starting to work. One of the other problems with poker as your job, its supposed to give you all this freedom but if your always free when no one else is then whats the point? So i couldn't stop thinking about what everyone was doing and I was playing bad so I cut the session short. I began playing people heads up for a bit which I said I wasn't going to do anymore but I really wanted to. I then decided to stop cause I don't wanna be that guy anymore. I actually won some money back playing people heads up but lost 60 on the day after only like 300 hands of 6 max and like 30 minutes of heads up. I did a 24 hour exclusion so i could not play till 5:30pm today. I went out later on and just took it easy with a couple of my buddies. Then today I got up and watched the Yankee game till 5:30pm and my self exclusion was over. I figured I would play well and began a session. However like 100 hands in I just couldn't get myself to play well and dropped a few buy ins. Then again I started playing people heads up, I actually did pretty well but was still down like 100 overall. So I just did a 1 week exclusion and am going to chill with online. I've got about 500 total on pokerstars which is triple my total investment but I was up more before yesterday when I had that first bad session. So in a week I'll re evaluate the online situation and will do well. I just couldn't play good, I mean I couldn't do it. I just hate playing online so much. I like playing live but don't like living where I don't know anyone. I'm just fucked either way. And now it's Saturday night and in my fucking room writing this shit cause I was to busy screwing around all day to make any plans and I got nothing to do tonight. Everyone's out in another town or in the city or long island or upstate and I don't know how the fuck I'm stuck home, it all happened so fast. And now I've got a week till I can play online again, shit, what the fuck am i gonna do? I had to do it though, or else I would of probly lost it. I can tell Johnny Cashout is gone, Frank is back and all Frank does online is donk off money. I really thought 24 hours would be enough time to get Johnny Cashout to come back but it wasn't. A week will definately do the trick. But what the fuck am I gonna do for a week? Just not earn any money? Go down to AC and pay for overpriced room? Maybe I can do the poker rate at Bally's I don't know, gotta call em. I'm definately not playing online. I guess the good news is the old Frank would win a bunch online and then have 2 shitty days and lose it all back and some. At least now I can tell when I'm not playing well and know to self exclude till I'm back to normal. So in a week from now I'll turn that 500 into a G and so on. Just gonna take it slow, no pressure, I have tripled my deposit, and I feel the A game leaving so I'm taking time off, we'll go back in a week and play well. No big deal, no pressure, no time frame.
I don't know though, I really hate playing online. But why? You can play so many more hands, so many more tables, its so much easier to be patient. Playing quality starting hands and not playing weak hands will always be a huge advantage and enough to produce a profit, and it's so easy to do this online cause you can play so many tables at a time. So why do I prefer and excel at live poker? Why am I such a consistent live player and so inconsistent online? Live is so slow, i mean God! Its soooooooooooooo slowwwwwwwwwwwww. J3 Q6 32 43 82 A3 K7 you just keep getting dealt garbage and it takes so long and is so tough to keep playing well but somehow I still prefer it. Maybe I just hate poker cause I've made it a job and I've taken all the fun out of it. I have to win or I won't have money. If I had a real job and it didn't matter if I won or lost I would enjoy playing more. But then I would hate my life so much every morning. And hate going through each week counting the days till the weekend. I don't know man. I'm just really bummed right now. I'm just looking at everything and feeling really down. Like what the fuck is going on here? I've just neglected everything for years now cause all I ever wanna do is play poker. All through college I just neglected doing well in my classes cause I was just playing poker all the time and I didn't pursue any kind of career in my field cause all I wanna do is play poker. I didn't even graduate, I went to four years of college and for shit and I wasted all my parents money when other people have to take out student loans and are still paying them back I got it all for free and just wasted it. Cause all I ever wanna do is play cards. Then after college I have a whole sucessful business that I'm there heir to and when I worked there I just slacked off and didn't get involved at all cause all I ever wanna do is play poker and it got to the point where we all jsut agreed I should quit cause I'm not into it at all. When other people who's families aren't as well off never would have this oppurtunity to take over a sucessful business would of jumped at the chance and I just waste it. So I've just neglected everything all just to play poker and now I'm just chillin at my house, 25 fucking years old and i've got like 3.5 grand saved and I live with my parents. And I'm suppossed to be a professional poker player and I can't even get myself to play good for a full week. I've jsut thrown away countless oppurtunities that most people never have had to play poker and I hate playing poker. How the fuck did this happen? I don't get it at all. I'm just feeling really negative and pissed off right now. I'm a fat fuck I need to hit the gym and lose some fucking weight and work out. I'm just airing out all my dirty laundry tonight but who cares no one reads this shit anyway. I been watching that shit the hills on mtv all day too, yeah I said it. Theres so many hot bitches in it I can't help but watch it. These girls are so hot and there driving around in there little cars going to there stupid little jobs and talking shit about eachother and I start thinking what would these girls think if they met me. This guy is fat fuck who lives with his parents and is supposed to be a proffesional poker player but doesn't even have enough money to move out of his fuckin parents house. How the fuck can you be 25 and still have this little money to your name? What the fuck? I am so pissed off and discouraged right now. Theres these 21-22 year old millionaire online players. I don't know man. I met this cute ass girl at this party and I got her number and I wanna call her but I won't do it cause I hate my whole situation here at home. I just wanna be out on my own, having my own place playing poker everyday, making mad dough. Then I feel good about myself. When I'm in AC all I wanna do is talk to every hot bitch I see. I wanna tell all about all the money I win in this city and how professional poker is all good and shit and I' just generally feel better. Here at home I don't even wanna call a girl, what the fuck am I gonna say? Wanna come hang out at my parents house? I don't know man I just don't feel it yo. Just not feeling it. This is not how I envisioned my life would be by this age. How did I let it get to this point? How am I writing all this shit on here? Whatever no one reads this shit. Ya see I had this vision in college. Of me, outta college, living in Las Vegas, playing poker full time, in my own apartment. It was the perfect life. And I knew what I wanted the future to be. I've tried to make it happen but there is always so much in the way. I don't know man, maybe it was just a dream and not a very realistic idea of life. I'm having some serious issues right now with everything. I don't know, just second guessing everything I've set out to do. Maybe I'm jsut bummed. I mean how could I leave all my best friends since childhood and everything that is here at home and just go live in a whole other state and just play poker for a living? It was the future I envisioned in college but life never goes as planned. Life is what happens when your making other plans. Ever heard that? It's so true. TOTAL WEALTH: 3.5k -Franko