LOST

I'm not talking about the show. I'm talking about lacking direction. Ya see I'm not quite sure what I wanna do. I think I possess, is that really how that word is spelled. I feel like it should be posesse. I ramble on in this blog a lot about pointless shit like that. I just feel the need to say it, thats just how I write. I don't know if that means I write good or bad, just how I feel to write. I pretend I'm just talking.
My frequent wondering about whether or not I write well takes me back to the whole point of being LOST, and lacking direction. I got some more votes on the latest poll. 8 total, and finally got one that answered the 4th option. Which is 'no way' in response to whether or not they would like to read a fiction novel by me after reading this site.
This makes me think, is what I have to say really interesting? Do the few people who read this site only like reading it cause they know me and just find me funny? If they did not know me would they find it all just stupid?
The current idea I have for a novel that I have written some of, is not much different from what I write on here. Its about poker, its about a dude in his twenty's..... I just don't think I really have anything to say.
Look at a show like The Wire. On HBO and also The Sopranos on HBO. HBO really kicks ass. They're shows are just a cut above the rest. I mean who the fuck is gonna watch C S fuckin I on channel fuckin 2.........
When you go the there webpages on HBO.com and look at character at cast of characters page, its a rich tapestry of people. Its a gigantic cast where there is one larger story to tell and no one single character is really that important. Even in The Sopranos, Tony is the main character, but there is still as many different roles as in The Wire, there are many scenes and story lines within the overall storyline that don't include Tony.
Ya see my idea for a novel only involves one character really. I mean there are others in which he meets along the way but the story is basically only about him. There is not a single scene in which he doesn't appear. Therefore it really isn't certain that it is a good story to tell. Who is gonna wanna read a novel so one dimensional, focusing only primarily one dude and poker.
Well there is a lot more to it and I have a story line planned, but the supporting characters don't all interact with eachother, they kind of just interact with the main character. It's impossible to see any happennings outside of the main characters view.
However it is not narrarated by him. So I guess I can branch off, but that would defeat the whole purpose of it. It's suppossed to be all about him. I mean Forest Gump is like that. I would have to watch it again but I'm pretty sure there are no scenes at all that don't involve someone relating to Forrest.
In thr future I would like to write something with a deep deep cast and no real main character. A story about a whole city and it's story, not just 1 guy or 1 family. But I think this book could work centered around just one guy. Ya see all I really do is take whats happened to me and exxagerate the living shit outta of it. See those moments in life where the future looks overdramatic in your eyes, but then when you really experience what you were wondering about its really just plain and everyday type of shit. Just turn those moments more dramatic, make them feel like you thought they would. I call this process unrealistically realistic.
I understand all that was just really hard to understand. Well you know what? I don't care I fuckin understand it.
Hmmmmmmm, example. There are certain paths I've gone down because of poker and wound up in situations I never thought I'd wind up in. However the long term results really aren't to dramatic. I've been able to remain emotionless for a full day, and thought it would last forever, but it did not. How could I live like that? But imagine it did last forever......... BOOM story idea.
So it kinda goes like that ya feel me? You better gets getting before the gettin gets got.
Season 2 of The Wire is good, some bum told me to skip it just watch 1,3,4,5. I'm surprised, cause I like it a lot. It may be the weakest season perhaps, but weakest season of this show is still better than the strongest of Everybody Loves Raymond. I believe it is a huge judgement error when considering the continuity of the viewers outlook on the story as a whole, the bigger picture.
Perhaps a TV series is truly the greatest form of enterainment. A long drama series that strectches many seasons and 75-100 episodes. It's like a really really long movie. These type of programs differ from my novel idea also because, movies and novels kind of always have a killer type ending where very drastic things happen. A beginning middle and end sorta speak. A punchline of sorts comes in the finale. A can definatley see and end to my book, and I feel like the whole movie is leaading up to its conclusion.
But the end of a long 75-100 episode drama series ending is always anticlimactic for the most part. Life kind of goes on and you see where everyone winds up. There is no punchline sorta speak in the end. Nothing that drastic really has to happen.
I guess I feel my main character is so important to me that I have to have everything centered around him. To just mix him on with a larger cast of characters would nullify the very message of the story.
So I guess its not really such a bad thing to go my route, some stories are just not meant to be told any other way. Imagine Forrest Gump was just one character in a larger story about many people. So maybe my idea is interesting? I don't know. I just think the gambling arena had really blown up since 2003 and no one has ever really made a good poker movie. Its like a golden oppurtunity I feel staring me at the face. I cringe everytime I hear about some kind of poker fiction coming out, to think it could the next great hit. And if only I had gotten mine out in time. However no one's idea is every going to directly coincide with mine, but what if it did? I alredy fear the idea of an emotionless poker playing character will seap into the mind of those reading this right now, I want to erase this shit. I' doing. I'm erasing this right now. Sorry you'll never see this asshole.

Anyway I am LOST within myself about writing this shit. I gotta write it just to see. I think people will find it real interesting, even though it centers only one 1 main character. It won't be the truly greatest work of fiction though, I have to make a 75-100 episode drama series. I have no idea what it would be about but it has to happen.

I am LOST in the fact that I don't know whether I wanna be playing online poker or live poker or just never play poker again or work and and play poker less. Or work and live somewhere where you can play live or online. Or work and jsut live around here and only be able to play online. I really feel I will be very financially good if I can work as a bartender part time and play 1,2 live and have the option of online. I feel I am set for life. I feel very financially well off cause it was so important to me be so good at poker that I never have to work. Trying to get that good made me so good at it that even with a job I still have a very useful skill. The fact that I'm going to have to take shit from people for a certain period of time does piss me off but other people who have to do this and were not obsessed with being so good at poker they don't ever to work, well they aren't any good at all now. True right now being so good at poker I never have to work is very difficult to make happen. But I'm just saying with a decent paying job and my skills at the game I feel very fortunate financially.

Soon I'll have a job and will never have to deal with bullshit bankroll rebuilding ever again. It's completely ridiculous to play that low of stakes. I won't do it. Whatever it takes to get a big bankroll together and be able to use 5% rule with high stakes games. Money's gonna be really easy to get soon. I will have money soon, where should I live? Should I move back to AC? Be able to work, play live, and play online, be a fuckin human cash register........... But on the downside be 3 hours away from any close friend or fam?
Or stay around here? Concentrate on work, only play online except if you wanna drive all the way down to AC when you have days off..............And have many many different people to hang out with and much family around?
I was really lonely there but life was generally more exciting during the day. Put it this way when I'm home life is more like the 75-100 episode series. There is a large cast of characters that I interact with and many a moment goes by when I'm around people and they are interacting with eachother and I'm not necessarily the center of attention. I know many people and they know eachother, theyre all connected.
But in AC its like I'm the only character in this story. There is not a large cast here at all, I don't have regulars I interact with. I mean I come across people but they are not connected to the others I come across. Every scene involves me and only me. All the attention is on me.
Do you know what I mean? For some reason I still am leaning toward AC. I can get a place around here with some of my buddies and always have shit to do and people to see. Always be hearing about who did what to who. Or go back to AC, be able to wake up everyday play online, then play live, and work, and be on my own. Or stay here, work and play online and have mad people around. I just don't know what to do. I am feeling very LOST.
Just need to make things happen down there.........