Ascending Toward Complete Harmony

Ascending means rising toward, I'm pretty sure. I'm so sick of people complaining about my lack of grammar. I'm so sick of people complaining about my lack of paragraphs. I do not care much for proper reading format. All I care about is writing how I feel and hopefully connecting to someone who wants to read it. But I've encountered a lot of negative feedback from people who don't even write who place so much importance in grammar and paragraphs separating and all that Nazi bullshit. Whatever I guess I'll conform, but I hate how I have to do it.

Heres a new paragraph. I'm trying to write a book and one of my buddies read it. He said it has a good idea but lacks theme and has atrocious grammar. I knew he would say that, and I still feel it shouldn't matter, I try to convey my personality into what I write and when I talk I am rather foul mouthed. But I'm still going to take his advice and try to write more condusive to people's ease in interpretation. He said he couldn't even finish two thirds of it because of how shitty the grammar is. But did mention that he wants to see what happens to the main character. I think I got him, he's in. All that matters is that you genuinely care for the character. All that grammar bullshit can be handled by editors I think. As long as you can connect to people its all fine and cherry wine.

Or maybe the book just seems like a good idea cause I write about what I care about and it's interesting to me. If another person read it they would probably not be interested and toss it off because of how poorly I choose to articulate my words and how abrupt and blunt my personality and therefore my writing continues to be. I really just feel like I think I can write better than I actually can. And I know nothing about writing cause I don't even read. And all these feelings that I had a great book idea is just pipe dreams and its another thing that never going to happen.
Unless I work on it of course by doing a lot of reading. But I don't have any interest in reading anything not pertaining to my interests to be honest.

I posted a thread on 2+2 about my AC trip report and no one has really responded to much to it. Except one guy reposted it word for word but separated by paragraphs. It was rather insulting but pretty funny. http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/27/brick-mortar/ac-trip-report-came-up-short-reaching-my-goal-295441/

Anyway to continue about the title of this post, I feel very excited about my recent poker lesson. As you all know I am obsessed with keeping my A game, therefore maximizing potential earnings. I am ridiculously good at suppressing my emotions and not letting losing pots, bad beats, etc bother me. I can play entire sessions without succumbing to tilt. My poker mindset is rather good, and I have achieved levels of patience and focus at the table that far exceeds that of my table mates. Thats why in 220 hours of play I average around 20-25 bucks an hour in AC baby. However I still feel the average poker professional is better than me in this particular skill. Of course I can stay off tilt better than your average schmuck off the street, and better than most people that I play against. But someone like Phil, Daniel, Antonio, has me smoked. And the unknown best players in the world, the young internet players who have seen more hands than anyone, who have become millionaires by 22 years of age. They definitely have superior poker mindsets than me.

I just keep pushing the tilt deep down, keep burying it, burying it, deep, deep, down and it doesn't effect me. The amateurs let it effect them of course, but not me. They steam off money right away and lose more and more until they either suck out big time, putting a lot of money on a long shot draw that by some miracle hits. Or just quit way to late after losing way to much. Either way this is the common tilted players regimen. I guess it makes you feel a little better to just neglect all responsibility and carelessly throw money around.

Obviously the amateur way is no way to go. But is mine the solution either? The tilt I push back and stay off, does it just disappear? No. I don't believe it does, it has to go somewhere I believe. Just keep pushing it back the same way keep piling garbage in the bin and maybe kicking it down, crushing it, compacting it so more garbage will fit, just keep jamming it in there. Eventually you gotta get a new trash bag guy! You can't keep jamming it in forever. It has to go somewhere and tilt is the same way. This is why my level of insanity increases each day I play poker. This is why I get burned out and have to take breaks in order to keep the A game and keep making money. My strategy to avoid tilt is obviously better than most, but there is no way to totally not let it effect you. Remember folks, you can keep pushing it away but it has to go somewhere.

Perhaps a true Zen Master, a true ninja warrior, a true Mr. Miagi, or the guy who trains Uma Thurman in Kill Bill Volume II, a Jedi Master (not a Jedi knight) like Yoda. Has reached a point of complete harmony with nature all the universe. To truly understand the game you must not be an expert at avoiding tilt, you must eliminate tilt all together. You can do what you can to suppress your emotions at the table, but is this really the answer? From now on when I'm in a poker game I wish to view the game not just from me seat at the table, but from all 9 seats. I am no more important than any player there. What makes me special? Nothing, I am as insignificant as a fly on the wall. I am no one and the world does not revolve around me. Whenever I lose money, someone else is winning money, this is what the game wanted to happen, this is what the cards have predetermined, what gives me the right to wanna have a super profitable session each time? The game is bigger than me.

You should not smile when you win, you should not frown when you lose. Every time you lose, someone feels how you feel when you win. So shouldn't you be happy for them? View the poker table as a whole, not just from your perspective. Everyone wants to win, and those who accept what the game gives them without selfishness will reap the rewards in the end. I honestly don't care anymore, I am just going to take what the game gives me, and be happy no matter what.

My last AC trip was rather successful but could have been better. The last day I finally buckled toward the end. I stayed off tilt for 3 straight days and the 4th day as well. But the 4th day I overplayed, was only up 90 bucks after 5 or so hours. 90 bucks was all the game wanted to give me that day. I played perfectly and the game rewarded me for my patience with 90 dollars. However it wasn't enough and I wanted more. So I played more, and thats when I made that horrible call. A few hours later I had finished the session down 250. You all know what happened from the last blog. So about 3 and a half days of good poker compounded by a few hours of bad poker in the end and that very short period of bad poker cost me a substantial portion of what I earned playing well.

If I had stepped back and looked at where I was on that last day after 5 hours of play, up 90 bucks. I was up close to 900 at that point in 4 days (19 hours) but I wanted more than the game was willing to give that day. Finish up less than 600 in 4 days (20 hours). My selfishness and unwillingness to accept what the game has given me is similar to what Lucifer did to God, unwillingly to accept his role in the grand scheme, and then taking a third of the angels out of Heaven, and starting all this bullshit.

We must thing of the game as a separate entity that is bigger and more important than the individual. The game is randomness, like the universe it self, as I mentioned before in a previous blog. The universe, God, Buddha, whatever you believe, you must thing of the game as an entity itself or an extension of the entity of whatever you believe. A soldier functions best when he accepts the fact that he is going to die and does his job. When a soldier sees his own life as important, the machine breaks down and the battle can not be won. A soldier must understand his insignificance. A poker player must understand his insignificance.

Now, with this attitude of complete harmony I am trying to elevate myself toward perhaps I may not even have to fight tilt, because I will be completely free of it. Lets look at my poker career as a whole:

20 years old - Frank thinks he's good at poker because he always won beer and weed money in college playing against college kids

21- Frank lives next to Turning Stone Casino for a summer to play poker full time. Frank learns he is not good at poker at all.

22- Frank learns to be a good player you must not go on tilt. Frank is still pretty mediocre.

23- Frank learns to fight tilt and starts to really be able to control it. However its still tough to do and still comes back at times. Frank is decent.

24- Frank learns he can win pretty consistently at casinos but tilt is always there like a black cloud. Frank is good, but not great.

25- Frank learns there is no way to completely avoid tilt, you must become a true zen master and be one with nature and accept what the universe gives you. Frank is almost great.

26- Frank has a manege a trois with Kristen Bell, Lauren Conrad, and Rachel Bilson.