Winning or Losing is a Choice

Have not written in a while, for the people who actually read my website I apologize. My computer has a virus and I can not currently access the internet and it really sucks. Especially since the internet is how I get money. I am a janitor without a bus ticket.
Just finished a long hard session online. I have to borrow peoples computers while they are sleeping. It's 6 a.m. and I just pulled in a very solid 367 dollar profit. The last 3 days I've been sticking to the whole be responsible work hard and bust your ass thing and I tell you it's real tough.
I've been making sure I've set aside 4-5 hours each day to play my 1500 hands of 6max on Pokerstars. During this 4-5 hours I am doing nothing but concentrating on playing the best poker I can play on all 4 tables at a time and I do not stop until I've filled the 1500 hand qouta. N0 tv, no eating, drinking, and I have to be sober for it. And only play 4 tables of 6max cash games, thats it. No heads up games! No heads up games! I've donked off my fair share playing people heads up or just playing really bad and unfocused aka gambling. I'm glad I'm done with work now I can pass out. Got everything backwards right now, I'm waking up at like 5-6pm then chilling then work is the last part of the day b4 sleep. Whatever as long as it gets done. Today was the first day I played 50 buy in 6 max and boy did it pay off, 367 bucks is a lot to make for such stakes. Yesterday I was playing 25 buy in cause I didn't have much money in my account and wound up losing 70 bucks after all 1500 hands. I didn't even play bad it was just a freakishly cold run of cards. I probly coulda played a little better but even if I did I still wouldnt of made shit. The day before that I made a 283 dollar profit playing 25 buy in. Now that is just to strange. I don't know how the hell I made all that playing such a low stakes game but whatever. So over my last 3 days I'm up 580. Thats 4,500 hands, only 1000 of those 4,500 came from 50 max so I expect to make even more now that I'm not playing 25 max anymore. I should be able to send myself another G in like a week or two.
Ofcourse I had my account all set up how it I wanted before I fucked up it up and 'gambled' as oppossed to do what I've done the last 3 days. It really makes me sick how much money I've wasted 'gambling' and how much more money I could have sent myself. Now its gonna take forever to get my account in cashout yet still have money to play with form. The money I sent myself in which I received last post is running out and should be gone soon. I'm gonna need more but its' gonna take time. Guess I shoulda thought about that b4 I 'gambled'
The last 3 days I've been doing the right thing and it's all gravy. Money is nice. 2009 I turn over a new leaf and won't 'gamble' all year. By then I'll have my account in good shape and have money in my pocket. No excuses, 2009 is my year. No gambling.......... Just make money, send it to myself, spend it, make more. No wasting money on stupid gambling/heads up/going on tilt binges.
My computer having a virus would not be a problem if I sent myself more money and could just buy a new one. Life is going to be a lot better when I keep this up. I think I've really woken up this time. I think I've really gotten through to myself. I'm pretty sure I'm going to fulfill my potential now. It's long overdue. I can't use pokertracker now cause my comp is all messed up. I can't be online unless I borrow someone computer. Things are all fucked up right now and only continuous hard work is gonna change things. No 'gambling' and hard work.
It's funny how I always say that I don't gamble at all and don't bet sports, don't play blackjack, blah, blah. "I don't gamble poker isn't gambling. It's a game of skill, its a science, it is guaranteed money over time." Well yeah this is true. But I gamble, I gamble all the time, playing poker like a jackass is gambling. Cause you know your eventually gonna lose when you play like a jackass and same as when you gamble. I always took pride in the fact that I don't gamble at all, but it's not even true. The only way it will be true is I play poker to my full ability every time I play.
Otherwise I am just being a sick gambler. Going on tilt is gambling, playing while doing other shit is gambling, anything other than doing what I've been doing the last 3 days is gambling. ANd gambling destroys lives, look what it has done to mine. I can't believe I'm still at my motherfucking parents house. I fucking hate it here so fuckin much I'm going to have a nervous fuckin breakdown. And it's all because all the money I've made hasn't been spent, it's been gambled and so much of it is not in my pockets and never was.
Winning is a choice, damnit. It's a choice. Losing is a choice. I can win when I really want to. For a long time before this age maybe it wasn't this simple. Maybe I really did have problems with the maturity it takes to succeed at poker. There were times were I really was trying my best but still couldn't win cause of tilt. Maybe it's not all my fault. But regardless now I see it clearer than ever. Winning is a choice, for many its not, and maybe even for me, even 1 year ago it wasn't a choice. But now I see it clearer than ever. Hard work is the answer.
Steve Badger articulated it so well in his article. Reading it was like listening to myself think, but he worded like I never could. http://www.playwinningpoker.com/poker/math/variance/
Some will never be good enough to make consisent money playing poker. Maybe at one time that was the case for me. Now the only really problem is putting the hours in. The only obstacle in my way is laziness. One obstacle to overcome before I have mad dough and freedom. Lot of people have mad dough and no freedom. Alot of people have freedom but no dough. Both baby, yeah, thats right, both or death. Theres no point to living in a world where your only somewhat free. I'd honestly rather just blow my head off then live how most people do. No offense to you if thats your thing.
Winning is choice. At least for me it is. Time to start choosing. Peace out all............